The Cake is a LIE!!

 

My boys are big fans of the game Portal.  Their Dad brought home an inflatable turret a few months ago and they just had a cow about it.  They begged for a Portal birthday party and I said, "YES!"  My regular readers probably won't have any idea what to make of all the geeking that's about to go on up in heah, so I'll try to explain as well as I can along the way.  Oh, and it should also be said that I've never played the game nor have I seen the game played because when I watch it, it makes me want to zook.  My inner ear does not like first person games.  Everything I know about Portal I've learned from accounts by my children, my husband, and online.  This is how it goes:

OK, so like, you're in this science experiment, right?  And you have this guide named Wheatly. 

And he's all good until he turns bad or bad until he turns good or whatever.  There's a companion cube.  You love it.  It has hearts on it. 

You use a gun like this to shoot holes in the walls.  Sometimes they have blue flames and sometimes they have orange flames.  They look sorta like this:

These portal mirrors were an ingenious find!  My husband put these together with mirrors and rope lights from Home Depot.

 and this:

Our friend Sam showed up with this because he is fraktastically awesome!

and this:

When you shoot a hole in one wall and shoot a hole in another wall, you can jump through one and come out the other one because of this, like, space warp type thing.

An old Ikea tunnel with painted entrances worked pretty well!

One more note about portals:

If your birthday candles fall into a portal, they come out on other cupcakes!  It's happening everywhere people, you should really be careful about that...

Sometimes you're in a room with turrets.  They shoot at you.  Fortunately, these don't really...

The place where the testing occurs is Aperture Laboratories.

Propulsion Gel and Repulsion Gel... do... something...?

This gel (a.k.a. gak) was made following this recipe.  I used Wilton's gel coloring to get the orange and aqua.  Be careful with the blue, though.  That stuff stains like nobody's business.  I found those little tins for .99 cents at Michael's.  A wise man once said, "We're throwing science at the wall here to see what sticks."  This stuff will definitely stick in the name of science.

Though, in the game, the gels will rot your skeleton, this next gel (a.k.a. Jell-o) is much more user friendly!  (It probably will only rot your teeth.  Most likely...)

Push up containers and stand came from Amazon.

The man who is putting you through all these tests is named Cave Johnson, CEO of Aperture Laboratories.  Also, apparently, he has a hard time putting his name tag on...

It could be because his assistants were all blindfolded... 

Your reward for battling sarcastic robots, turrets, and GLaDOS in the name of Science is a wonderful cake.  Unfortunately, along the way you find out that the cake is, in fact, a lie.  Until the end, when you find it and it isn't anymore.  It's a chocolate cake with cherries.

Or is it?

That's right, folks.  This cake is a lie.  Meatloaf, mashed potato filling, bean frosting, mashed potato "whipped cream", and cherry tomatoes on top where those lovely cherries should go.  More about how I pulled this feat off later...

Meanwhile, everyone knows scientists in the future drink from juice pouches turned backward to look more "science y."

They also love hummus and carrots and mini quiche.

These hobos test subjects are definitely up to the task of being subjected to tests.

 

Our little test subjects got to go home with a bag full of gear and a couple of portals as well as a tin of Propulsion or Repulsion Gel.  You can buy a bunch of Portal swag at Think Geek, but my husband knows someone who knows someone (possibly Cave Johnson?) and scored us a bunch of this stuff for free.  I got the idea for the gels from Pamela Smerker who threw her very own super-awesome Portal party last year.

Guests at our party were serenaded by the sweet sounds of selected tracks from the Portal soundtrack and Still Alive by Jonathan Coulton.

And now back to that "cake."

     A wise man once said, "They say great science is built on the shoulders of giants - not here. At Aperture we do all our science from scratch; no hand holding."  And that wise man was Cave Johnson.  To honor his great (and wise) spirit, I shall give you a little hint about how I made this cake, though I'm afraid there really isn't a recipe.

The Cake is a Lie Portal Cake
Meatloaf:
     I made two round cake pans full of meatloaf.  It used 4 pounds of ground beef and two onions.  I made a gluten free cake so I substituted the contents of 1 (3.5 oz) bag of pork rinds ground in the food processor.  It sounds weird, but it's an old low carb diet trick that I used many times when my hubby was on the Atkins diet.  You can't tell, really.  It worked out to about 2 cups of crumbs.  I used 1 egg for every pound of meat and put the rest of the ketchup that was in the bottle, probably about 1/2 C.  Salt and pepper.  I baked it at 350° for about an hour, until the center reached 160°.

Filling:
     The mashed potatoes are just regular old mashed potatoes with butter and salt and milk and a little pepper but not enough to give anything away on the outside decoration.

Frosting:
     The hardest part was the frosting.  Traditionally, meatloaf cake is frosted with mashed potatoes, but the Potal cake is chocolate.  Mashed potatoes aren't brown.  On Thursday I had an epiphany!  Refried beans!  I spent a day testing the best way to color the beans to make them look like chocolate.  Soy sauce tasted funny and Worcestershire sauce wasn't dark enough.  Black beans didn't work either.  Finally, I consulted my favorite message board over at Baby Center for help.  Baby Center user ~*downwithNCB*~ suggested Kitchen Bouquet as a darkener.  Kitchen Bouquet FTW!  The flavor was a bit meh, so I hid it with Worcestershire sauce and raw garlic.  Worked like magic, folks!  For the beans, I cooked a pound of pinto beans in the pressure cooker because I wasn't sure how much frosting I'd need.  I probably could have done it with half a pound.  When the beans were done cooking I let them sit in the fridge overnight to firm up.  The next day, I reheated them slowly on the stove with no extra water while the meatloaf was cooking.  I pureed them with a hand blender and added Kitchen Bouquet until it looked "chocolatey" enough.  Then I added Worcestershire sauce and pressed about 2 cloves of garlic until I couldn't taste the KB anymore and the bean flavor was pretty well masked.  Salt and pepper to season a little more, and then I slathered it on the cake!

Review
People loved it!  I only heard one adult say, "I'm not sure I can eat this!  It looks too much like chocolate cake!"  I am never sure with meat dishes of course, but I badgered my husband to give me the honest-and-for-real-truth and he says it was pretty good!  I wasn't sure how the beans would be with the meatloaf, but nobody complained and my eldest son has been pestering me for leftovers all day, so I think it must have been OK!  The only drawback is that it really does look so much like chocolate cake that now I want to make one...

5 and 7 here we come!  Onward for Science!!

Avengers Assemble!

     Once upon a time there was a nerdy guy who wanted to join the armed services.  And no one would take him because he was a tiny little nerdy little guy.  Then he got hooked up with some super crazy secret military project and got massively hot and buff and hot and became Captain America!  And he still let his freak flag fly with that nerdy hat.  Wings?  Really?  That's what the movie said anyway.  My impression of him growing up was mostly, "Hey, that guy's name is Captain America.  He's not as cool as Superman, but not as scary as the Hulk.  I wonder if he dates Wonder Woman?"  Yeah, now I know that would be a pretty hardcore Romeo and Juliet type story being from separate publishers and all, but I think we can all agree how awesome that would be. 

     When I first envisioned this soup, I thought I'd make the white ring with sour cream.  However, one of my little nerdy guys has recently developed some stomach "things" and I've taken him off dairy of any kind for a while.  So I made a turnip and cauliflower puree for the ring.  It is fantastic, but if you'd like to save yourself some time and have a bit more of a dramatic look, I think sour cream is the way to go!

Captain America Red White and Blue Soup
5 C quartered Tomatoes (yield about 5 C tomato purée) (use peeled fresh or canned tomatoes)
4 C Turnips*
1/2 Cauliflower (about 3 Cups florets)
2 Cups sliced Leeks (white parts only)
2 cloves Garlic, chopped
Purple Potatoes
Bread or White Cheese (mozzarella, white cheddar, muenster, or maybe even Swiss)
butter or margarine
milk (or milk alternative)

RED
If you are using fresh tomatoes (6 or 7 pounds), the quickest way to peel them is to cut the core out, slice an X in the other end and broil them on a baking sheet with the X side up.  You can broil them quickly till the skin peels off or keep them in a little longer until they are almost cooked.  When the skin has started to pull back, take them out of the oven and allow them to cool enough to touch them.  Peel them and quarter them.  If you are using canned, I'd say two of those big 28 oz cans would probably get you pretty close.  Maybe buy an extra small can just to be sure...

BLUE
While you are broiling your tomatoes, set 1 pound of purple potatoes on to boil in their skins.  Boil until potatoes are tender to the center when pierced with a fork.  Drain and allow to cool until you can remove their skins.  Make mashed potatoes with a little milk and butter, salt and pepper, making substitutions as your diet requires.  You want the consistency to be smooth, but not gluey.  These got gluey on me pretty quickly, so watch out.  Set aside.

(BACK TO RED)
Place tomatoes in a large pot.  Drain canned tomatoes, or for homemade tomatoes, don't add the extra juice that has cooked out.  Heat tomatoes until boiling, salt and pepper as desired.  Put in a blender or use an immersion blender until it has reached a smooth consistency.   Set aside.

WHITE
To make the white circle, steam cauliflower and turnips together until tender about 15-30 minutes.  Cook the leeks in a frying pan with little olive oil until they have softened and browned slightly.  Reserve some of the steaming liquid when vegetables are done.  Place cauliflower, turnips, leeks, and garlic cloves into a pan and buzz with the immersion blender or give them a good spin in a blender or food processor.  Use the reserved steaming liquid to thin it up as necessary.  *If you're not a fan of the bitterness of turnips, you can use parsnips or even just the rest of the cauliflower head.

Cut cheese or bread into a star shape.  I actually used one of the glow-in-the-dark stars from the kid's bedroom ceiling as a template since I didn't have a cutter small enough!

ASSEMBLY
Pour  tomato soup into the bowl.  You can make the circles any order you want, but I made the blue one first to help find the center.  I used plastic baggies with the tips cut out as piping bags.  The thinner and more consistent you can make the purées the better this should work (all the more reason to use sour cream, really).  Pipe the blue circle, then pipe the white circle, making sure to leave an outer ring of red showing.  Place the star on the blue!

     When all is said and done and the initial "oohing and ahhing" is over with, you may want to add another dollop or two of the potatoes to this soup once you've tucked into it.  Additional crusty bread on the side is a nice touch, too!  I served sourdough.

Review:
The boys knew who this was right away, though my youngest apparently thinks his name is "Captain American."  They weren't terribly crazy about it.  Particularly my picky one, but once we added a little more potato, my eldest decided it was darn near edible.

My Soupy Senses are Tingling...

     We had our first "feels like Fall" day here in the Pacific Northwest this weekend and my thoughts turned toward the warm and comforting soups ahead but before Summer slips away entirely, I wanted to set the next Souperhero loose upon the masses!

     This one is another fruit soup.  There was a bit of controversy about Wonder Woman and whether watermelon soup was really "soup" or not.   Watermelon soup is a real thing.  Google it if you don't believe me.  Go ahead.  I'll wait...

     See?  Tol'ja.  And strawberry soup is a thing, too.  But as far as I can tell, this, my friends, is the world's first Spider-Man Strawberry Soup!

Spider-Man Strawberry Soup
Yields: 2-4 Servings
2-4 pints Strawberries
1 pint Blueberries
1/4-1/2 C Vanilla Yogurt

Blend strawberries in blender and fill bowls.  Clean blender and blend blueberries until skin is completely disintegrated (or as close as you can get it), set aside.

You don't need to be bitten by a radioactive spider to make the web on Spidey's face.  This is all you need:

Well, Spider-Man thought it was cool anyway...

I found the best way to draw the face was first to draw a small circle either dead center or slightly below center.  Then the eyes in yogurt.  Then outline the eyes with blueberries and draw the straight lines.  Finally, connect with curved lines and do any touch ups to the eyes as needed.  If you want to be quicker about it, you could try the old "drag a toothpick through a spiral" trick used in cookie making, but I haven't done it.  I don't see why it wouldn't work though and then you could put the eyes on after...?

Notes:

• Never knew this before making Spidey, but pulverized blueberries congeal!  They get pretty hard (almost as thick as Jell-o!), so you need to work rather quickly.  I liked them once the gelling process had just begun.  Once they set up they were hard to squeeze out of the bottle.  Within an hour or so the liquid separated completely and become a little gross.
• I used homemade yogurt sweetened with agave and added vanilla so it was pretty thin.  You may need to thin store-bought with a little milk so it fills in without lumps.

Review:
     I probably don't really need to review this, do I?  They loved it. =)  Whether your kids eat this with a spoon or a straw, you'll have happy little spider-fans!

It's Soup Eatin' Time!

     Today's Souperhero is incognito over here on Crackers on the Couch.  He will reveal his identity on my buddy Cara's blog: Fork and Beans!!

      I hope you've enjoyed the Souperhero posts this week!  If you didn't see your favorite, fear not!  I've got more ideas percolating this very minute!  I'll be posting them periodically throughout the year as I work them out!

     Oh!  And hey, before I forget!  I've been nominated for a Homie Award!  Today's the last day of voting!  If you're so inclined, how about giving CotC a little love?

Striking while the Iron is Hot...

Iron Man, that is...

     There was a time when Iron Man was my little one's hands down favorite superhero.  He has never seen a movie or a comic book.  I think he's watched a couple of cartoons.  Mostly he was in love with his Iron Man toy.  He got to pick it out using a gift card that his Uncle sent him for Christmas.  It was the prize toy for nearly a year in this house.  Many a moment was spent looking for that darn thing (he always had to have it with him, but never remembered where he had it last!)  It has a button on the front that says clever things like, "I am Iron Man!"  It's shiny, it's red, it might be the coolest toy ever invented.  He's grown past it a little recently, it no longer occupies the coveted position beside his head at night, but I like to think that with this soup, he'll be able to take a little of that old love into adulthood with him.

     Just like my son has heard of Iron Man but never seen the movie, I have always heard of borscht, but had never eaten any!  I looked it up and realized that most of the recipes call for boiled beets.  I. Do. Not. Like. Boiled. Beets.  (Unless they're mixed in with a bunch of chocolate...) So I decided to roast everything and see what happened.  I found the result fantastic, as did my boys.  My husband is not much of a beet guy.  He would have liked to have tasted more onion or garlic.  I think you could cut the beets back by a cup or so if you want it a little less "beety."

Iron Man Roast Borscht
Yields 6-8 servings

3 large beets (4 cups cubed)
1 C carrots
2 C parsnips
1/2 medium head cabbage (quartered)
4 cloves garlic in peel
1 large onion, quartered
olive oil
salt and pepper
2 C vegetable stock
2 C water
2 tsp balsamic vinegar
sour cream

Roast whole beets wrapped in foil at 425° for 2-3 hours or until soft.  Remove from oven.  Place carrots, parsnips, cabbage, garlic, and onion on a sheet, drizzle with oil, season with salt and pepper, and roast until slightly browned, remove cabbage first, if necessary.  (Cabbage cooks in about 1/2 an hour, the rest of the veggies in about 45 minutes).  Remove peels from garlic, peel and cube beets, and put all veggies together in a large pot.  Add water and stock and cook together until everything is heated through.  Either in a blender or using an immersion blender*, puree the soup together.  Stir in vinegar.  Salt and pepper to taste.  Add sour cream to top.  I used a piping bag and smoothed it with the back of a spoon (high tech, that...)  Tastes great with sour dough bread!

*Be careful using an immersion blender with this one!  I burned myself pretty good when a bit of it plopped out... An apron is a good idea for this red soup, too...

Review:
For once something my little Iron Man kid likes!  He actually liked it from the first bite.  It took my eldest two bites.  A wonderful, filling soup that's great for cold winter days.  This does take quite a while to roast everything.  I did the beets the night before and roasted the veggies the next day.  It makes quite a bit though, so you can freeze half and have two meals!  Tomorrow, the final day of Soup-erhero week!

You Won't Like Me When I'm Angry...

But you will love me when I'm soupy!  

     As much as girls of my generation wanted to be Wonder Woman, boys wanted to be The Incredible Hulk!  My brother loved the tv show.  I was terrified by it.  I think it's a boy thing.  Somewhere there is a dusty Polaroid of my husband transforming himself into a tiny, menacing Hulk and both of them had their fair share of Hulk tee-shirts and underwear.  What little boy wouldn't want to grow strong and powerful to tackle the injustices rampant in the elementary schoolboy's world?  Chores, Brussels sprouts, early bedtimes, all easily vanquished by THE HULK!!!  GRRRRR!!  Instead, they are stuck in their little Banner boy bodies, and have to go to bed at 7:00 because Mom said so, but a boy can dream... 

And so, in honor of all those little frustrated Hulks out there:

Incredible Minted Split Pea Soup
Yield: 4 servings
1 large onion roughly chopped
3 large cloves garlic, sliced
1 Tbs olive oil
1/2 lb green split peas
4 C water
1 C  fresh or frozen peas
1/4 C fresh mint
salt and pepper to taste

Heat olive oil in a large stock pot and brown onion and garlic.  Add split peas and water.  Bring to a boil, and reduce to a simmer.  Cook for 30-40 minutes until split peas are soft, adding more water as necessary.  Add fresh or frozen peas and cook until heated through.  Add mint and puree in a blender or with an immersion blender until smooth. 

Review:
The little Hulks-in-training around here love this!  Sweet and minty, warm and comforting, it soothes that savage beast!  Welcome back, David.  Good to see you, Bruce.  *cue depressing music... doDOdo dooooo!  doDOdo doooo!*

P.S.  Happy Leap Day Everybody!  See you tomorrow for day four of Soup-erhero Week!

All the World is Waiting for YOOOOOOU!

     I think every single little girl who lived anywhere near the 1970's wanted to be Wonder Woman.  Linda Carter was kick-ass.  I lived in rerun-ville (the 80's) but that didn't diminish her hindquarters kicking ability in the least.  I mean, my gosh!  Bullet stopping bracelets?  A magic lasso?  The Invisible Plane?  And the ability to spin around really fast and not throw up?  COME ON!!!  You know you so wanna be her! 

     As soon as I thought of Batman Soup, I knew I totally had to do Wonder Woman.  Wonder Woman Watermelon soup.  Word.

Wonder Woman Watermelon Soup
Yield: 4 servings
 
4-5 C seedless watermelon
1 pt. raspberries
8 oz strawberries
1 mango, in four slices

Blend watermelon, raspberries, and strawberries in a blender until thoroughly liquified.  Slice the mango and cut the logo shape with a knife or just chop it in to small pieces.  Ladle soup into bowls and place or sprinkle mango.  If you want, you can refrigerate it for a few hours beforehand (up to overnight).

 This makes a great smoothie, too!

Review:
The boys went nuts for it!  They loved the "W" and they thought soup was a great, chilly dessert!  Hope to see you all again for day three of Soup-erhero Week!

In a World...

...where darkness reigns supreme.  Only one man can save Gotham.  And when he's done?  He's going home for a nice bowl of soup!

     A few months ago, my eldest, just being silly, said, "I wanna bowla BATMAN SOUP!"  And my little brain thought, "Hey!  I could totally make Batman soup!"  And then it thought, "Hey!  I could totally make a whole bunch of Superheroes!"  And this, my friends, is what you are about to witness.  Welcome to Day One of Souperhero Week!

Batman Black Bean Soup
Serves: 4

1 tsp olive oil
1 medium sized portobello mushroom, chopped
3 cloves garlic, minced
1/2 C onion, chopped
2 1/2 C mushroom stock
4 C cooked black beans
salt and pepper to taste
sliced cheese, biscuit cutter, and knife for making the symbol or these cutters
sour cream, optional

I cooked my beans ahead of time in a pressure cooker using this time chart.  You can use canned beans if you want.  Drain beans.  Heat oil in large pot and add mushroom and onions.  Cook until onions begin to soften.  Add garlic and heat until it just begins to cook.  Deglaze the pan with a little of the mushroom stock and then add the rest.  Add beans.  Bring to a boil, then lower heat and simmer for 20-30 minutes; add salt and pepper.  While your soup is cooking, you can:

 (teehee!)

When the soup has reached a flavor you like, using an immersion blender, combine it into a smooth puree.  Pour into bowls and top with your symbol! 

If you're not looking for pure Souperhero Awesomeness, you can mix in a little sour cream.  It tastes yummy, but dilutes the color a little...

Review:
Holy Black Bean Soup, Batman!  The boys LOVE this!  When I was making this tonight for the shoot they both begged, "Are you going to give us a bat?!"  All your little Batman lovers out there will be all over this, I promise!